Going for a walk... with animal shelter dogs

Our animal shelter allows people to walk the dogs between 12.00 and 15.30 every day. I was there with Amke the last two days and want to share our new friends ;)

Douce:

Karla:

Nala (we were the first to be allowed to walk this siberian wolfshound apart from the staff :) ):

Missing: Tayra.
If you have the chance to do the same in a local animal shelter: do!

I suffer from depression Part III: Taking a shower

 

Todays topic: taking a shower

 So the day has started, I pulled myself from my bed. At the moment I read my novel in the mornings and get up at 10.

But getting to the shower is similarly hard as getting out of bed. Don’t get me wrong I love to be clean and fresh! And actually once I am IN the shower, I quite enjoy the showering itself. But the path to the shower is hard and rocky.

It’s thinking: I won’t see anyone today, so who cares? Or: I will do this or that later and will sweat then – no need to shower beforehand (Even though it has been days since my last shower). The other part of it is energy, there’s none. And no motivation.

I feel ugly and that only adds to my not feeling well, but the thought is: I don’t deserve better for being such a slouch.

Society makes me think I am not good enough and I work hard to NOT let that seep into my thinking… Not easy at all!

How to help:

Well, if you think I’d need a shower, just tell me: Take a shower. Or: It’s about time you took a shower. Or something like that. Don’t make it a big thing, don’t feel like you’re taking away my independency, you’re NOT! You would only help me through hard times, so I don’t have to go through them alone (never really alone because of God, but it’s good to have people on earth cheer you on as well).

Clarification:

I am not writing all this to make you all understand how I feel, because I can’t describe that. I just want to share my daily battles, so others can see what’s going on. If you haven’t had or have a depression you will not GET this, how it is to have no energy at all, and no motivation. You’re mostly likely thinking: Just suck it up already! But that’s not the way it works. And actually I am glad if you don’t get this, because all my battles aren’t yours then and quite a lot of things will be easier for you. But I want you to know about things, not standing in the dark. You do not need to understand, I want you to accept that it’s not about sucking it up, but it is a sickness. Give that person all the love you can, they can’t themselves and feel unworthy (and that might be true as well, because people surrounding think that as well), just stand by their sides and never cease to love them. (Luckily I am loving myself, even unshowered ;) )

There’s a saying: “Love me a good deal more, when I deserve it least, that’s when I need it most.” Which quite says it.

I am not writing this for my friends to do all the tips I write out. I just want to point out what a way of helping could include. Most feel helpless when confronted with depression in their surroundings and I totally get that. One wants to help friends and family. Just standing there besides and not being able to do anything to help is hard. For me the help I need is less on the inner things, but the outer things. 

The other parts of this series:
Part I: Why write this andGetting out of bed
Part II: About my depression andthe wave formation 
Part IV: Getting good at"failing"

Amerikaner

Two weeks ago I decided I needed to bake something to blog about. I had a slow day not doing anything much (I guess playing on the computer and stuff).
My go-to recipe always are these cakes... In Germany we call them Amerikaner, I have no idea what they are called elsewhere or if you have something similar at all. Please tell me if you know!

I have a fructose poisoning (sounds wrong, in german we call it fructose intolerance) so normal sugar is not the best option (consisting half of fructose the other half glucose). So I usually use cornsugar/dextrose instead of regular sugar. One needs to take more dextrose to make it as sweet as it would be with normal sugar, that makes the dough a little drier, so I need to add a little more of something wet. Learning by doing... In this recipe I added an extra egg, so here is my recipe:
The recipe goes as follows:

 Preheat your oven to 160°C

500 g flour

 

3 tsp baking powder

300g dextrose

1 dash salt

4 eggs

1/8 l milk

125 g butter (works best when melted)

1 tbsp rum (I hardly ever have rum, so I usually just leave it be)

Stir, but not with this kind

but with this kind, it really didn't work with the other one:

it will look like this in the end:

 make little piles on cooking sheet, I use a tablespoon and a teaspoon to make them. Try to have similarly sized piles! And put them in the oven. It takes about 15 minutes:

In the oven they will flatten out like this:

Done awesomeness after 15 minutes.

Due to my blog, I thought I would like to try another twist: chocolate chips... Who can resist chocolate? Not me definitly:

 

 Here are the chocolaty piles:

 I forgot to take pictures of the chocolaty kind, 

but they looked much the same as the regular one.

I expected them to taste quite the same as the other ones,

just with a little added chocolate taste, but it was more like

chocolate taste with little else ;) I needed some of them to get

used to the taste ;)

The full recipe:
500 g flour
3 tsp baking powder
300g dextrose
1 dash salt
4 eggs
125 g butter (works best when melted)
1/8 l milk
1 tbsp rum (I hardly ever have rum, so I usually just leave it be)

Preheat oven to 160°C. Stir first the dries, then put in all the wets. Blend. Make piles on a cooking sheet, put in the oven for 15 mins.

 I wanted to share this "fail" picture as well, I found it too funny to keep to myself: The first pair of blenders didn't work and I put them away. Shortly after the cord of my mixer was right in the middle of it.

My raincoat

This is my favorite item in my closet, I love it. My spring green rain coat. Well, it not really a raincoat, but I call it that.

I've bought it in Germany when I was working in Norway and had plenty of money, but it was still pricey. So I made a deal with my mom, she got my old (real) raincoat, and she paid part of this one. And I wear it all the time in spring, summer and fall. So it was worth it.

Th pictures were made in a cafe where I met some of my friends. It was absolutely awesome to see them!

High five for friday!

1. Kerttu (my estonian study buddy) visited me on friday night and we had a great sweet Liqour 43 with milk, a good talk and a nice match of Sequence.

2. I had a special visitor last weekend and let me tell you; I'd never EVER thought I would want to have a dog, or any pet for that matter. But now, after a two week holiday in France with two dogs and this weekend -- man, I want a companion like that!

3. Monday was a successful shopping day. My new shoes you saw in yesterdays post, but this is also new:

Look at this cutie bird. I had to look for 925 silver earrings,
my left ear doesn't like other jewlery. I didn't know
what I missed. The same package had a tiny little pearl as
well. You'll see that some other day :)

This ring. At home I saw there were two stones
missing, which I certainly don't miss. But I could
have gotten it cheaper.

And some undies, which I will not show here. But they were much needed. I wanted to buy a chambray shirt, but didn't find one to my liking in the store I was at. (C & A) 

4. My new nail polish:

I love the colour which is 995 well dressed by p2 color victim from dm. I used the all in one base and top coat from essie.
What do I do wrong?? Look at my little finger and the structure on it. I guess I shouldn't paint my nails in the afternoon,
I think it's the sleeping that messes that up. I hate it! But a whole post about nail polish soon!

5. I was so blown away by the reactions on my depression post from wednesday that I posted Part II on the very same day! Now I have a lot of topics I did stumble over in those posts and the planning goes very well:

   Have a nice weekend!

One in -- one out

I learned from the flylady, if one new item comes into the home, something old has to go. I do by no means do that with everything, but this post wouldn't exist without the flylady, because I would keep the old item. So this is what happened:

I have this favorite pair of shoes. They are sneakers. White with a little pink. The most comfy shoe I've ever had. Take a look:

In addition, they were the only relatively rainproof shoes besides the rainboots you can see here. Which always leaves me with blisters and they're NOT comfy at all. I've had the sneaker quite some time now, I've bought them while while living in Norway, that's 3 years ago and wore them a lot there already, so this is what happened:

So needless to say they're nowhere near rainproof now. So I really needed new ones. But it's not easy to find good new sneakers if you 1. really only want to keep the old ones, or buy the same again (nd not find them anywhere in the shop) 2. I have flat feet and most shoes are designed to fit slim feet.

On Monday after a lovely lunch date with my sister Teresa, I went to the city. I looked at shoes in this one shop: Deichmann. I was looking for boots mainly (rainproof!!), but didn't find any to my liking. When suddenly I saw these boots on a girl. I've been through all the shop, but nothing good and she turns up and makes me like shoes. Luckily I saw which colour the shoesbox had, so I walked through the shop and found them after three rounds (don't look that nice on display) and they where HIGH up and I am rather small. I tried them on and OH WONDER: They make my feet look smaller (which I absolutely LOVE) and additionally they had lots of space for my feet. It just fit. So take a look at my new boots:

I LOVE THEM, but we'll have to see if they prove to be as awesome as I think they are...

I took these pictures and threw my wondeful and deeply loved shoes in the trash! They were trash. (Of course I wore them even though there were holes in them ;) ) I would not have thrown them away without the one in - one out rule.

It feels good.

I suffer from depression PART II: About my depression and the wave formation

Well this is coming out sooner than expected. I am amazed by the feedback I got on my first post. A little here and there brightens up my day. Thanks to everyone!

I just wanted to clarify some things:
Even though I suffer from depression, I have my life under control (mostly). I am by NO MEANS suicidal or having a real dark mood. I have been depressive since 2006, so it's not new either.
I have been in therapy for three years and I didn't need it anymore just recently. I still have her in my back hand and I could email her and get an appointment, but I am able to tackle my depressive life on my own. I am one of the lucky ones who aren't terribly sad all the time. The "normal despressive person" would be like S.A.D. all the time, which I am not. But depression is so much more than that. That's why I am doing this series, to show what depression is for ME. Everyone is different and suffers from different symptoms.

Depression is something that stays with you (at least in my case, there are other cases!). It's something that effects my live in waves. There are episodes where I have my symptoms like crazy, and there are times where I don't feel so affected by it. But I have also come to the conclusion that life is a wave formation:

I  have a quite positive outlook on my life and my future, it could make you think that I am not really depressive. But as I said, I am more than my sickness and I have always been too curious about my future (especially my husband and kids to be). I wanted and still want to be a mother before dying.

And also, as a Christian I rest in God. He fills me up with His unconditional love so that I can pour it over to others. I have little energy and motivation but I DEEPLY love my friends. Even though I am not at all good at holding contact (another depression thingy), I have so much love for them in my heart. Even some people that (I think) do not even know that I see them as a friend. Sometimes my thoughts about how a person could react makes it hard to reconnect with people. But I love them. Jesus was the first one who made me see and believe that I am meant to be ME, and that I've really been good enough always. I struggle with many things, but hej: I am ok, I am not perfect, and I don't need to be. I am still depressive, but I do not longer let it define me! I am stronger than that. Yes life is a everyday struggle, but some days are easier than others, and I know that I am not the only one who's working hard to make life work! So: Keep on moving and never stop. Work hard. On some days the depression is just overwhelming, think to yourself: It's okay today, but it's gotta stop tomorrow. Sometimes I need these days, because my body craves them from me and I feel a lot better the next day. Important is to always be sure to live it, but only for a day. I need to fall into that dark hole sometimes only to see again how BRIGHT and SHINY my life really is. How many people love me and care about me. I do not have as much energy than others, but I have MY amount of energy, and that is better than not having any energy at all...

Is there a way to help?

 As said in my first post: NEVER EVER underestimate a good old hug! A little longer than a normal hug and I think that you have said it all! Sometimes words just fail, but a hug never fails.

The other parts in this series:
Part I: Why write this and Getting out of bed
 Part III: Taking a shower
Part IV: Getting good at"failing"  

I suffer from depression PART I: Why write this and Getting out of bed

I tend to not think about it, but I saw this video and quite a bit of it really touched me. Kevin Breel talks about the hardship it is every day to get out of bed and how it is accepted/commented if one has broken an arm or a leg, but stating to have a depression never meets that kind of enthusiasm... I tried it on facebook, I stated "I suffer from depression" and let me tell you, it wasn't many answers. It really touched my heart that every one tries to suffer through despression alone, because no one ever talks about having it. Well, I am going to change that right here and now.

My plan is to do a little series and every week I explore one of the things that my SICKNESS depression is posing on me. Because it is a sickness, one that will stay all my life, but it's not ME. I am far more than that, but the depression really slows me down.
[UPDATE:] After some conversations my friends told me, that it is quite hard to react upon hearing of depression and the helplessness imposed on you. So I want to add a little information on how anyone could help ME. But of course feel free to try these things on others you know of too. But depressive people can get VERY lonely, because sometimes you have to ask thm to do sth. with you 3x times, and not many ask three times. And being inside the depression you don't want to get others down...

First topic: Getting out of bed. 

This is the hardest thing in my life. If I don't HAVE TO get up, I'll lay around in bed for 1-2 hours, turning around always press snooze on the alarm clock. It freaks me out, but at the same time my bed is my favorite place in the world.
So EVERY MORNING is a fight to start the day. Ever since I found the flylady my life has gotten better and better. I build routines that help me in most parts of my life. But getting up? Urgs.

[UPDATE] Is there a way to help?

Yes. Arrange to meet me in the mornings. Or contact me in the mornings. I do not want anyone to feel responsible for getting ME out of bed, so just every once in a while just ask how it's going and if you could help with that.

And NEVER EVER underestimate a good old hug! A little longer than a normal hug and I think that you have said it all!
Whilst in my deepest depressive phase ever I was still living at home with my parents, my mother sat beside me and held my hand. After half an hour I would get up...

The other parts of this series
Part II: About my depression and the wave formation
Part III: Taking a shower 
Part IV: Getting good at "failing"  

Old window

When I first signed up for pinterest I saw many nice things one could do with an old window. I never pinned any of them: because where in the world would I ever get an old window? You're right: Nowhere.

One day on a walking trip home, there were many bulky waste items standing on the street, they were going to be fetched the next day. Of course there was the perfect window. I carried it home, on my head -- man, was it heavy! It stood in my cellar until recently, because nothing I found on pinterest really made me want to set it up.

In comes: Another blogger, with whom I link up for High five for friday: Lauren. I saw her old window here and loved the idea of having the adhesive tape exposed. I am by no means a lover of exposed anything ;) So this is new to me.
When I saw Laurens window again now, I am surprised, because I didn't really remembered how HER window looked like.

Enough words! Here's the old window, naked first and then in all it's new wonderfulness:

This is how my table looked before the makeover:

I leave you with the real everyday look of my table NOW:

On: Greeting people... while taking a brisk walk

I had a special visitor last weekend:

His name is Buddy and he is about 3 years old. I'd never EVER thought I'd say that, but: I would like to have a dog.

Buddy made me go out and walk A LOT! It was fun and felt really good, so I am going to take brisk walks every morning, for one hour.

This is where I walked this morning:

I put on a timer on my phone for half an hour, I would just walk without checking the time, and when the alarm went off I turned around and went back. I slowed down a bit on my way back, so I was active for 1 hour and 10 minutes :)


On my way I greeted almost everyone. When I walked Buddy last weekend other dog-owners would greet us, which I thought very nice. So this morning on my walk (9.35 - 10.45 am) without a dog I just greeted the people coming my direction. It was funny, some where really surprised, one didn't even move her head, but most just smiled back and greeted me. At one point of my walk I started to plan this post and I got very caught up. I stopped greeting people! I suddenly felt they were looking strange at me or something. Haha, I had been greeting people who looked angry some minutes ago, and they weren't angry, they just had a relaxed face (My relaxed face looks angry too, but I tend to forget that) and broke into a smile when greeting me :)


The most awesome thing about it was how I felt! It gave me a really good feeling. I had to curl my hands to fists because there was so much joy bubbling over in my heart and there was a tiny little laughing sound coming out. So, I am sorry to say: The greeting was very egoistic, I thought more about me than the others ;) Due to the time of day I took a walk, all the people were older than me (Kids at school). I am a little frightend of youths and young grown-ups, especially in groups. I don't know if I would have greeted them when meeting them. But at the end of my walk there were two boys and I had the chance to turn -- so I did. Maybe it's easier when it is only one young person, not two together.


I will do this every morning now, that will be a good training to be nice to people and smile at them. After some of that training I may get better at greeting younger ones as well ;)