Coming up...

I have not forgotten you! I was sick last week. The good thing I found out while being sick: The cold really filled ever cell of my body, there was no space left for the depression. So I kinda felt good while being sick.

I am writing now, that there's a post coming up soon, about my weekend away with friends at one friends home where she grew up, on a farm! It will have many pictures in it, but I wanted to give you a little picture-preview here:

Pants...

Just want to share these funny pictures of me and my cousin. We were shopping for pants and I really liked these (I bought them in the end, and wear them right now). So I am the one with the shorter legs... And look how different they look on different bodies!

Have a lovely evening!

I suffer from depression Part Vb: Current Situation Update

So, after last weeks depression post I got some worried friends thinking I was in a really bad state. I was quite surprised, because I felt I was optimistic and positiv. But after reading my post again I totally get it: I said I was the worst I know, and that's what it's like. So I am bad, BUT at the same time, I said, that I was better than ever. I get, that we tend to focus on the bad part of things. And actually today I am in a bad mood, not feeling up to anything.
BUT I have a friend who is drawing comics and I asked her to illustrate how I'm feeling at the moment, and how you can see at it as better than before. That was last week. Today we did the final touches and even though I don't want to do a thing, I am working on this, because she gave me some outer motivation.

So here's her work:

So even though I feel really bad, I am better off than anytime before, because I have opened up and let friends come into my life. Before I was always like: I don't want to share this with anyone, because I don't want to drag anyone down with me. So I didn't share with others. And I never cared a lot about others stories. I changed. The hole is still there. I will work this out with my therapist. Actually, I have never before been this honest with her.

I am letting this depression series come to an end right here. It actually drags ME down to write about it. In the future I will focus more on the good things I experience. If something comes up: alright, but I don't want to get myself in this state by thinking about it. I need to focus on the good things.

Thanks for listening... I send loads of love out to you!
And thanks again to Chris for the drawing!

A walk in a forrest

I went on a walk with my cousin and his wife. Those two have saved my saturdays lately. They've been extremely supportive. This was very spontaneuos, they called and where here 15 minutes later. A short trip with the car and this was our destination:

There's no "wrong" weather, only wrong clothes!

That is a saying from Norway, which I really like. It rhymes in norwegian.

I know these pictures are blurry, the light was too bad that day. I want to share them anyway. I was at the animal shelter to walk with a dog. It was raining, not only a little but really a lot ;) So I took on:

• my rain trousers over my normal pants.
• my rain jacket.
• my rain poncho on top
• my hiking boots (the only boots that really keep my feet dry ;) )
• a cap to keep my glasses from the rain

All of this kept me dry from the outside, at times it was more than cozy warmth inside it and I was glad when I could take it all off ;)

A strong girl this doggie. She wanted into the house - I wonder why ;)

I suffer from depression Part V: Current situation

When writing about my despression before, I was not in a depressive episode. I have some troubles with my life which are of a depressive nature, but missing the sadness part. So I wrote about things that I struggle with every day, anyway. But now I am in an episode, I don't think I've ever been this bad - I'm good at blocking things out, so maybe I just don't remember - but at the same time my life is at it's best ever. How is that even possible?

Before the epsiode started I was sad and a little tired, but not in a depressive state, where the sadness comes from nowhere. And now I sit around and sometimes just start to cry without even knowing why. I've been seeing my therapist again, who helps me a lot. I read a lot and play a lot of stupid little games on facebook. University is not going to well, I quit one class and the assignment I should be working on is postponed (again). Now I just have to work on getting better. Thing is: HOW?

At the same time, as I said before, my life is at my best. Before this episode I was sad with a reason and my flatmate ordered me to meet people, anyone, every day. If you know me, you will know that that is not what I usually do. I am more of the staying at home, being alone kind of girl. A lone wolf. I had no better idea, so I "just" met acquaintances, without overthinking it. They quickly became friends and I suddenly have this strong social network (in Real Life ;) ), which gives me joy. I never had this kind of joy with people aside from really close people (like sisters, cousins, boyfriends and flatmates), now I expand my horizon on this topic. It gives me strength. And I could be falling into a "real" depression if not for them! This deep black hole is right in front of my feet, there's not much missing for me to fall into it (sometimes I want to give up, but rarely and only when on my own). But if I turn around, leave the black hole at home and meet my friends, I am happy, I feel good. But the hole is still there in the background.

So I am my saddest and my gladest at the moment. Both at the same time. And the good things do not erase the bad stuff. So even though I am active, I'm still depressive. It's not an easy equation where action leads to happiness! So I will need to work more with my therapist on how to get better longterm.

I send loads of hugs out to all others who struggle, I feel for you. And I love you!
And I want to thank my closest friends at the moment, I love you and: I need you :) I'm glad to have you in my life and to be sharing my life but also get a part in your lives.